I wouldn't go to school.....

I wouldn't go to school. I thought all the kids at school were going to beat me up, which is absurd. They couldn't all beat me up -- someone had to hold me down.










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I got whupped so much, sometimes I hated to see my mother coming. I'm having fun with my brothers, my sisters, my friends -- my mother pulls up, and I'm thinking, 'Dang! Why she keep coming here? Can't she just drop off the food and stay at work?'

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When they're nine years old, they have an attention-seeking constitution that is relentless... Honestly, it makes you want to drive drunk on Halloween. Look at Superman fly!

IDENTIFIED BY DENTAL RECORDS....

ROBERT SCHIMMEL: IDENTIFIED BY DENTAL RECORDS


You know what's weird about plane crashes is that you watch it on the news and they say the people have to be identified by their dental records. 'Cause if they don't know who you are, how do they know who your dentist is?





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DAVID FELDMAN: GRANDMOTHER IN MEDICAL SCHOOL


My grandmother, 86 years old, just entered medical school. She's a cadaver, and she is living death to the fullest.

GRAVEYARD SALON....

GRAVEYARD SALON

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Q: What was the name of the hair salon next to the graveyard?

A: Curl Up and Dye.

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One time, I got beat up by a kid named Jesus. And when you're seven, you can't tell the difference between Jesus, typical Puerto Rican name in your neighborhood, and Jesus, the actual savior. So I was walking around all confused -- you know, guilty. What had I done that the Lord would send his only begotten son down to Brooklyn to kick my ass?

And let me....

And let me tell you something -- if you go to the emergency room and you've got a knife still stuck in your head, you go to the front of the line. You're next. 'Excuse me. I ain't got time to fill out no forms.'


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I refuse to go to the bathroom on an airplane because if I'm gonna die in a cartwheeling ball of flames, it is not gonna be in a flying outhouse with my pants around my ankles.

Am I dead, Angel?....

Am I dead, Angel? Because this must be Heaven. Of course, I am a machine and therefore do not experience death.

..............
I've got a friend who smokes five packs a day. He has to wear nicotine slacks. He says he's afraid to quit because he might get heavy. If he doesn't quit, there will be six friends going, 'Boy, he is heavy.'

A man lives in a highrise.....

A man lives in a highrise on the 15th floor. Every morning, on the way to work, he takes the elevator all the way down to the 1st floor. But when he comes home, he takes the elevator to the 8th floor and walks the rest of the way up. The only exception is when it's raining. Why?

The man's a midget, and can't reach the buttons. When it's raining, he has his umbrella with him, so he can reach the 15 button with it.



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All my friends, we was ready for the second riot. No, not like the first one, where we were just grabbing stuff at random -- it wouldn't be like that. I've got a thousand boxes of Pampers; I don't know what I'm going to do with it. No, no, this time we had a list. We were going to get the stuff we need. Everybody on my block has bought a U-Haul.

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I'll tell you how bad it was in Los Angeles during the riots -- people were actually flooding into Tijuana. That's how bad it was.

What is black and blue and brown

Q: What is black and blue and brown, and lies in a ditch?

A: A brunette who has told too many blonde jokes.

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You see all these mafia movies; Italians are always portrayed as angry, violent people. That's not right. As far as we Italians are concerned -- hey, listen, we don't hurt people, but people get hurt, you know? Accidents happen! You walk outside, trip and fall on an ice pick, six or seven times, you know? Right away, they blame Vinny. That's not right.

LAST MUSICAL REQUEST........................

A husband and wife have four sons. The oldest three are tall with red hair and light skin while the youngest son is short with black hair and dark eyes.

The father was on his deathbed when he turned to his wife and said, "Honey, before I die, be totally honest with me: Is our youngest son my child?"

The wife replied, "I swear on everything that's holy that he is your son."

With that, the husband passed away. The wife muttered, "Thank God he didn't ask about the other three."







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LAST MUSICAL REQUEST

The inmate on death row is scheduled to be put to death by firing squad. He doesn't request a last meal or anything special for his last day.

As he stands before the firing squad he says, "Actually, music is my life. One thing I would really like would be to sing my favorite song, one whole time through, with no interruptions."

The guard nods solemnly and tells him to go ahead.

The inmate starts, "One billion bottles of beer on the wall... ."

Being Puerto Rican in New York....

Being Puerto Rican in New York, I grew up -- I swear to you -- thinking that White Castle hamburgers was traditional, indigenous Puerto Rican food.

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Q: How do you make a sausage roll?




A: Push it!

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I'm watching TV with my father late at night 'cause he doesn't sleep. And you know that commercial for 'Save the Children'? The one that comes on really late, where the lady goes, 'For the price of a cup of coffee, 67 cents a day'? My father and I are both sitting there, thinking the exact same thing: 'Where can you get coffee for 67 cents?!'




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I've been on a diet. I'm on that Slim-Fast thing now. I had seven of them today, so I feel really good.




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The Dove Bar's like an 80-pound wad of chocolate on a toothpick. If you're not careful when you take it out of the package, you'll snap your wrists.

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Anytime there was a problem in the world, we'd send troops. Now, anytime there's a problem in the world, we send food. Problem in Bosnia, we send them food. Problem in Somalia, we send them food. Clinton's like my mom.










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I had friends in high....

I had friends in high school that used to do speed. Actually, they used to take diet pills, cheap speed, and they talked me into trying it one time. They're like, 'You won't want to eat anything.' Didn't have that affect on me at all -- I just ate really fast.




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I went to the Carnegie Deli, and I had one of the celebrity sandwiches. I had the Joe Franklin, and what they do is they serve the dressing on the side, and they comb it over the sandwich







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What do you call a 70s cookie band?....

Q: What do you call a 70s cookie band?


A: OREO Speedwagon.






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Have you ever noticed that there are few things in the world, short of actual material success, that can make you feel as powerful as eating an entire pint of ice cream in one sitting? Isn't that the weirdest thing? You eat half of it: you're a pig. You eat it all: you're the victor!






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Bob and Jim....

Bob and Jim walk into a bar. Bob says, "Hey Donkeyboy, get me a drink." The bartender gets him a drink.




Bob says, "Donkeyboy, get me another drink." The bartender gets him another drink.




Finally, Jim asks the bartender, "Why does he call you Donkeyboy?"




"I don't know. Hehaw-hehaw-he always calls me that."




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A duck walks into a bar ...

A duck walks into a bar and asks, "Got any grapes?"




The bartender, confused, tells the duck no. The duck thanks him and leaves.




The next day, the duck returns and asks, "Got any grapes?"




Again, the bartender tells him, "No -- the bar does not serve grapes, has never served grapes and, furthermore, will never serve grapes." The duck thanks him and leaves.




The next day, the duck returns, but before he can say anything, the bartender yells, "Listen, duck! This is a bar! We do not serve grapes! If you ask for grapes again, I will nail your stupid duck beak to the bar!"




The duck is silent for a moment, and then asks, "Got any nails?"




Confused, the bartender says no.




"Good!" says the duck. "Got any grapes?"













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A panda walks into a bar

WALKS INTO A BAR... RANDY PANDA


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A panda walks into a bar. He asks the bartender how he can get a little action for the night. The bartender motions to a young woman. She talks to the panda, and they go back to her place. After having sex, the panda abruptly leaves.




The next night, the woman goes to the panda's house. "You owe me money," she says.




"For what?"




The woman rolls her eyes and explains, "I'm a prostitute."




The panda pulls out a dictionary and looks it up: "Prostitute: Has sex for money."




The panda says, "I don't have to pay you. I'm a panda -- look it up." She is about to protest when the bear hands her the dictionary.




The woman looks up "panda" in the dictionary. It says, "Panda: Eats bush and leaves."










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A gorilla...

A gorilla walks into a bar and says, "A scotch on the rocks, please." The gorilla hands the bartender a $10 bill.

The bartender thinks to himself, "This gorilla doesn't know the prices of drinks," and gives him 15 cents change.

The bartender says, "You know, we don't get too many gorillas in here."

The gorilla replies, "Well, at $9.85 a drink, I ain't coming back, either."

A bear walks into a bar

A bear walks into a bar and says to the bartender, "I'll have a pint of beer and a.......... packet of peanuts."

The bartender asks, "Why the big pause?"

++++++++++++++A farmer walks into a bar with a horse. He says, "I will give any of you $1,000 if you can make my horse laugh."

A man yells, "I'll take that bet," and leads the horse into the men's room.

After a couple seconds, a loud braying laugh is heard from behind the door. The farmer screams to the man, "OK, I'll give you $2,000 if you can make my horse cry."

The man shouts, "You're on!"

After a few more seconds, the man exits with the horse trudging behind him with tears streaming down his long-snout. Flabbergasted, the farmer asks, "How did you do it?"

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giraffe

A man and his pet giraffe walk into a bar and start drinking. As the night goes on, they get drunk, and the giraffe finally passes out. The man decides to go home.

As he's leaving, the man is approached by the barkeeper who says, "Hey, you're not gonna leave that lyin' here, are ya?"

"Hmph," says the man. "That's not a lion -- it's a giraffe."

 +++++++++++++++

A kangaroo walks into a bar and tells the bartender, "Blood is the lipstick of all wounds."

The bartender does not know how he said this or why.

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A GRASSHOPPER WALKS INTO A BAR...

A bear walks into a bar and says to the bartender, "I'll have a pint of beer and a.......... packet of peanuts."

The bartender asks, "Why the big pause?"

+++++++++++++

A GRASSHOPPER WALKS INTO A BAR...

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A grasshopper walks into a bar, and the bartender says, "Hey, we have a drink named after you!"

The grasshopper looks surprised and asks, "You have a drink named Steve?"