I wouldn't go to school.....

I wouldn't go to school. I thought all the kids at school were going to beat me up, which is absurd. They couldn't all beat me up -- someone had to hold me down.










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I got whupped so much, sometimes I hated to see my mother coming. I'm having fun with my brothers, my sisters, my friends -- my mother pulls up, and I'm thinking, 'Dang! Why she keep coming here? Can't she just drop off the food and stay at work?'

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When they're nine years old, they have an attention-seeking constitution that is relentless... Honestly, it makes you want to drive drunk on Halloween. Look at Superman fly!

IDENTIFIED BY DENTAL RECORDS....

ROBERT SCHIMMEL: IDENTIFIED BY DENTAL RECORDS


You know what's weird about plane crashes is that you watch it on the news and they say the people have to be identified by their dental records. 'Cause if they don't know who you are, how do they know who your dentist is?





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DAVID FELDMAN: GRANDMOTHER IN MEDICAL SCHOOL


My grandmother, 86 years old, just entered medical school. She's a cadaver, and she is living death to the fullest.

GRAVEYARD SALON....

GRAVEYARD SALON

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Q: What was the name of the hair salon next to the graveyard?

A: Curl Up and Dye.

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One time, I got beat up by a kid named Jesus. And when you're seven, you can't tell the difference between Jesus, typical Puerto Rican name in your neighborhood, and Jesus, the actual savior. So I was walking around all confused -- you know, guilty. What had I done that the Lord would send his only begotten son down to Brooklyn to kick my ass?

And let me....

And let me tell you something -- if you go to the emergency room and you've got a knife still stuck in your head, you go to the front of the line. You're next. 'Excuse me. I ain't got time to fill out no forms.'


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I refuse to go to the bathroom on an airplane because if I'm gonna die in a cartwheeling ball of flames, it is not gonna be in a flying outhouse with my pants around my ankles.

Am I dead, Angel?....

Am I dead, Angel? Because this must be Heaven. Of course, I am a machine and therefore do not experience death.

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I've got a friend who smokes five packs a day. He has to wear nicotine slacks. He says he's afraid to quit because he might get heavy. If he doesn't quit, there will be six friends going, 'Boy, he is heavy.'

A man lives in a highrise.....

A man lives in a highrise on the 15th floor. Every morning, on the way to work, he takes the elevator all the way down to the 1st floor. But when he comes home, he takes the elevator to the 8th floor and walks the rest of the way up. The only exception is when it's raining. Why?

The man's a midget, and can't reach the buttons. When it's raining, he has his umbrella with him, so he can reach the 15 button with it.



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All my friends, we was ready for the second riot. No, not like the first one, where we were just grabbing stuff at random -- it wouldn't be like that. I've got a thousand boxes of Pampers; I don't know what I'm going to do with it. No, no, this time we had a list. We were going to get the stuff we need. Everybody on my block has bought a U-Haul.

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I'll tell you how bad it was in Los Angeles during the riots -- people were actually flooding into Tijuana. That's how bad it was.

What is black and blue and brown

Q: What is black and blue and brown, and lies in a ditch?

A: A brunette who has told too many blonde jokes.

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You see all these mafia movies; Italians are always portrayed as angry, violent people. That's not right. As far as we Italians are concerned -- hey, listen, we don't hurt people, but people get hurt, you know? Accidents happen! You walk outside, trip and fall on an ice pick, six or seven times, you know? Right away, they blame Vinny. That's not right.